Drunk Mom: A Memoir - Jowita Bydlowska

I've always thought that human behaviour exists on a sort of continuum, and certain compulsions are more extreme in some people than in others. In that way, I felt I could relate to many of the urges to drink that Bydlowska describes in this very personal memoir. I suppose in my case, the impulse (which seems overwhelming sometimes) to have a few glasses of wine after work might be overcome by my desire to get to bed, watch TV, read a book or whatever. In hers, the compulsion to drink is so overwhelming that she drinks until she passes out, and so irresistible that it overcomes even her obvious love for her baby boy and her partner. Although I was filled with pity for her at some points and disgust at others, I still felt that I could understand her internal debates about entering liquor stores, knowing from the outset that the debate was fruitless as she was always going to capitulate in the end. I am not an alcoholic by any means, but I have had this debate with myself during periods where alcohol seemed an important comfort, with the same outcome.

At times Bydlowska's apparent sense of superiority over the people who try to help her (evidenced in her belittling and trivialisation of various characters in her life - her partner, counsellors, other recovering addicts) was grating. It was never entirely clear to me whether she recognised how that smugness, which I have definitely seen in other addicts, might come across, or whether she realised that she was not really in a position to judge those people as being somehow less than herself. Certainly, she doesn't gloss over some of the uglier aspects of her own story, so it seems that she is absolutely aware of how her addiction caused her to lose all sense of herself and any shred of dignity that she might have once had.

It must have been very painful to write a book like this and maintain sobriety. In a former life, I was a drug counsellor myself, and I can remember how very agitated some clients became just discussing their desire to use their substance of choice. I can't imagine how much more intense that feeling of agitation would be while immersing oneself in actually dissecting those feelings and recounting them in such a personal narrative. I thought it was well-written. The use of present tense added to the sense of personal intimacy. Overall, I found it compelling.